How should I choose to spend my time? This is a question that I’ve been asking myself a lot recently. When I returned from my gap year in Taiwan, I knew that this summer, in many ways, would be a unique time in my life. I had just come home for the first time in eight months, and I had a full four months with no particular plans before starting college in late August (hard to believe two months have already flown by).
Before I left for Taiwan, I was pretty accustomed to a fast-paced life. If my days weren’t packed with school, homework, or sports, then I would pick up an extra tutoring or babysitting job. Every week was meticulously planned to the hour, and it gave me the satisfaction and security knowing that I was “being productive” and “not wasting time.” In many ways, I measured my self-worth by how much I could accomplish. Encapsulated by society’s hustle culture, I felt like I was only “worthy” of existing in a space if I was actively doing something to better myself or contribute to the people around me. And somehow, even though having too much on my plate was obviously draining my energy, the days I often felt the most proud of myself were the ones that I had worked the longest β picking up a before-school babysitting shift, going to a full day of school, tutoring after school, getting a workout in, and staying up late to finish my homework… I wore burnout as a badge of honor.
In my head, taking time to rest was unnecessary, and the more work that I could get done, the better. Whether it was learning a new skill that would “make me stand out” or making some extra money, I stretched myself beyond my limits and convinced myself that this was the only way to feel “good.” Otherwise, I would have to confront the anxiety I had about being unproductive or feeling like I wasn’t doing enough.
However, when I went to Taiwan, my mindset slowly began to shift. For the duration of the 8-month study abroad program, we spent each weekend with a host family. While weekdays at the dorm and going to classes were still fairly busy, weekends at my host family were much slower than I had been used to.
My host family included only a host mother and host father with no children. We spent lots of time watching the news, cooking and eating food, and just hanging out at home. Every weekend, we would go on an outing to see Taiwan, whether it was to a park, a famous cultural or historic spot, or to a local restaurant.
Suddenly, my weekends became for experiencing this new life and exploring this new place. I wasn’t actively “working” to improve myself in any way. I also wasn’t planning out every hour to make sure that no time was “wasted.”
In fact, I spent a lot of time just sitting around the table with my host parents, not necessarily doing anything other than keeping each other company. And it was in those moments that I was able to create connections that could never have been planned ahead of time. It was from the days of just existing together that fostered the space to have conversations about our belief systems, life and death, reincarnation, religion, and cultural differences. My past self would have said that time unplanned was time wasted. But these unplanned moments made for some of my most precious memories in Taiwan. I wasn’t actively doing anything “impressive” that I could put on my resume. But I was creating space for connections which brought so much more fulfillment to me than any resume-builder could have. I absolutely adore my host family and I am so grateful for the time we were able to spend together.
Coming home from Taiwan, I told myself that I would have to continue to learn how to slow down and create space to truly experience life. With these four empty months on my hands, my past self would have asserted that I had ample time to get a job and save up, learn a new language, start a project, do anything that would get me “ahead” of the curve… but what actually happened?
I’ve spent the last two months unemployed with a few babysitting gigs here and there, sleeping in, going on long bike rides, walking dogs with my mom, hiking with my friends, and eating dinner with my family. I’ve spent lazy afternoons catching up on TV shows, reading books, and listening to music. I’ve been able to write in this blog without making any particular expectations for it, just doing it for fun. I haven’t been making money, advancing my career, or learning any new skills in particular.
Yes, the anxiety still hits when I see many of my friends already in internships or with steady part-time jobs. I still get the initial rush of panic feeling like I’m not doing enough. But then I remind myself that everyone is on their own timeline.
Right now, I am giving myself space to breathe, creating space for experiences through slow-living, and unlearning the mindset that was ingrained in me by society. In each chapter of our lives, we will need different things, and in this period of my life, as much as it goes against what my anxiety wants me to do, I am prioritizing rest.
I am trusting that my future self is capable of creating and pursuing opportunities in life. I am trusting that investing in rest now will allow me to build the mental, emotional, and creative energy that I will need over the next 4 years. Most of all, I am learning to be picky with where I spend my time, because even though it is tempting to succumb to the anxiety and push myself to do something that society would typically count as “productive,” I am learning that walking my own path, at my own pace, is even more valuable.
I recognize that it is such a privilege to slow down my life in this way. As I still live with my parents, I am lucky to have the support to take it slow simply because I want to, and I am so grateful for that. I also realize that there will inevitably be another chapter in my life very soon where I’ll be immersed in a quick-paced, high-stress environment. But I know that I can use the tools and perspective I’ve gained in this chapter to help me navigate the next one.
As my host parents would often tell me, quoting Taoist philosophy: “Nature is never in a hurry, and yet everything is accomplished.”
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