focus on your tasks, take your life back

Recently, I’ve been reading The Courage to Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. The book is written as a conversation between two individuals, the Philosopher and the Youth, as they discuss how to live free from the expectations and judgements of others. In this post, I want to focus on one of the book’s key concepts that has been lingering with me since I read it: the separation of tasks.

The separation of tasks, as described in The Courage to Be Disliked, is presented as a method for reducing distress in life. The concept is pretty simple: focus on your tasks, and let others focus on theirs.

You can figure out which tasks belong to whom simply by asking who will will ultimately bear the consequences of the completion of the task. The book asserts that you should do your best to fulfill your tasks and only your tasks. In the same spirit, the book urges readers to not intrude on other people’s tasks, nor let them intrude on yours. Anything having to do with your decisions, emotions, thoughts, reactions… those are your tasks. The same is true for other people and their tasks.

If you happen to be anything like me (and probably most people out there), you might get caught up in the “What do they think of me?” or “How might they react?” mindset, thoughts that often prevent us from completing the tasks that we need to complete. In the book, the authors pointed out how this way of thinking puts the cards of an interpersonal relationship into the other person’s hands, essentially robbing you of your power. In this mindset, the focus is on their tasks, not yours. By being consumed by what other people think: if they like us, if they have certain expectations, if they wish we were a certain way… suddenly there’s no space for people to think the other way around: What do you think? How are you feeling? Do you even like them?

Since becoming more mindful of this concept — and of course, it’s easier said than done — I’ve started thinking with a little more clarity about the things I spend my time worrying about. Other people’s tasks are not in my control; the most that I can do is focus on my tasks and do the best that I can.

It’s your task to communicate the thing(s) that bother you, or else nothing will change. It’s their task to react. It’s your task to do the things that allow you to live and grow as your most full and authentic self. It’s their task to accept these things, and perhaps even grow alongside you. And yes, the reverse is harder to hear but true: It’s their task to live their lives and fulfill their tasks, and your task to let them, even when what “fulfilling their tasks” means to them differs from your expectations.

So, in an effort to keep inching toward so-called inner peace, I’ll do my best to stick to my tasks, and let other people stick to theirs. As they say, “Live and let live!”